Oh, the Guilt!

Well, I went and did it last week - I went back to work three partial days per week and I'm sorry to say I enjoyed myself immensely.

Keep in mind, I am doing three 5.5 hour days per week and some vicarious e-mail and form-filling-outness at home. I can't exceed 20 hours per week (and get paid for it, anyway). This is a teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy work schedule, people! Once upon a time I was the mega-work, 50 hour per week speed demon. Why do I feel like these days are these huge blocks of missed time? What is wrong with me?!?! What about all the women who have to work, who have to be gone 12 hours every day in order for people to eat? And as long as we're talking about it, what's the deal with me not being satisfied as a housewife? So many women are, am I not appropriately appreciating my children because I want to go out and work? Yikes. What a head case! I guess being at work feels like more of a luxury for me. I feel selfish, like this is a decision that benefits me alone instead of the entire family.

It's the kids. As long as they are happy and doing okay, I am fine. But on the mornings when I tell Alex he's going to the babysitter and he says, "Not today!" or when Elizabeth demands I quit my job so I can be home in the event she breaks her leg at school, I feel like something I peeled off the bottom of my shoe. And at the same time I'm kind of impressed with my own resolve. "Too bad, guys," I think. "We've got places to go..."

This morning I actually breathed a sigh of relief once I had dropped everyone off at their respective places. (And promptly swore loudly when I realized I was halfway to work and had forgotten to take the garbage out. Hate that.)

And when I get to work I feel so great! I have clients again, people who might eventually need me for something once they get to know me. I get to deal with knotty, shades-of-grey problems where you only know the right answer six months after you make the decision. I'm working with people I've known for years and haven't seen in forever, it feels like coming home! So eventually this will have to work for everyone. I know it will sort itself out but I feel horribly selfish in the meantime.

I'm not giving the kids everything, I'm not giving the job everything. I guess I'm spending enough time at each one to be mediocre at both. Cool, huh?